I dropped my legos on the floor
I’d been working on them for a week or more
I had a castle, an ocean too,
And now they’re gone, all gone, boohoo!
My jungle and my microscope
My bad guy’s lair and heliotrope
Everything I’ve been working for
I dropped it all all over the floor
I tripped and fell, and with a crash,
The whole caboodle went and smashed!
I should feel soggy, sad and tearful
But I’m unexpectedly cheerful
I shook my head, and said with a grin,
“I’ll just do them over again!”
I dropped my legos on the floor
I’d been working on them for a week or more
But I’m redoing them as I speak—
(Something to do for the next week!)
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139,642 Literary Works • 672,638 Reviews
Nice! Very Shel Silverstein of you... I approve.
Wow! This is really cute. It made me laugh, but as well as that it's pretty good technically wise. Your rhymes fit and the rhythm flows well. Personally, I love these type of poems so it was a pleasure to read!
One thing I would watch out for, however, is the punctuation. I'm not the best at punctuating poems, but you have some run on lines that could use a comma or a period at the end.
In addition:
Now I know that this is technically correct, but sometimes repeated words like that can make somebody stumble over the words and can interrupt the flow of your poem a little bit.
But overall this was really enjoyable! *stars*
~Amy
This is quite adorable! Really.
Has a sort of Shel Silverstein touch to them. Really quite cute, normally I don't enjoy these as much but this one made me laugh.
I'm busy at the moment but I'll give you a few tips!
Firstly: Legos is a brand of a toy. So you what to capitalize it, just to respect that it's a brand.
Secondly: The boohoo is a little immature, but I see the problem that arises if you remove it. If you find something to replace it please try. The boohoo takes away I feel.
Thirdly:
I'd try something like:
Everything I've been working for,
dropped all over the wooden floor.
Or something like that. The 'I' cuts up the flow you had a little bit.
Now I'm off to get some work done. Good job! I hope to see some more fun rhymes from you.
Kamas
Dangit, huh?!
This reminds me of when I was much younger, and there always seemed to be a little brother or sister's foot directly in the middle of whatever masterpiece I was creating.
Also, semi-unrelated, I specifically remember the way Linkin' Logs tasted at my Grandma's house. So nostaligic.
Good work!
At first I was all, "How old are you?" Then, by then end, you had moved me. This was so adorable! I feel like it has actually happened to me, though with Lincoln logs because my mother doesn't think Lego's are for little girls.
One thing. I know it is a poem and it has to flow, but in the fourth and third to last lines, you change tenses. You should fix it. It threw me off a little...
toodles!
~Classy
Wow!! I really love this! I like the informal tone of the poem a lot!
Keep it up!
~Lava
I can relate, that is hilarious
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA that is amazing my friend!!! There really isn’t much to be said! (What the rest of the reviewers prove me wrong) I can totally see this happening! The rhymes are great and you used a lot of big words which... I don’t know about anyone else ... but they make me happy